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Marriages are like pancakes. There’s no shame in throwing out the first one.
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It's Not Clocking to you.
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It's okay if you don't like me. Not everyone has good taste.
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On my husband's last nerve.
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Saw you Petting the Neighbor's Dog, want to tell me what that's all about?
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I don't always bark at night. But when I do, it's for no reason.
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The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.
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Life is hard, but at least your children aren't ugly.
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Used & Abused
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Someone's Dusty Ass Son
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I'm not old, I'm vintage
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Superbowl - You don’t like my team? That’s okay not everyone has good taste.
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Superbowl - I like big punts and I cannot lie.
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I’m Not Loading the Gun for Him
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Will you be my Valentine? That was a rhetorical question, you have no choice we are married.
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What that mouth do? Hurt your feelings probably.
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My wife asked me for a divorce for Valentine’s Day. I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.
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Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore.
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I love being married. It’s great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
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I got my wife a present that will really take her breath away, a treadmill.
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I don’t like that we are fighting, tell me you’re sorry.
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Having me as your daughter, is the only gift you need.
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