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I Can't Adult Today
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I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!
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I don't always bark at night. But when I do, it's for no reason.
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I don't always deal with a bunch of clowns, but when I do, I'm probably at work.
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I don't bite.... hard
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I don't need build-a-bear man, I need ready made.
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I don’t like that we are fighting, tell me you’re sorry.
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I don’t need resolutions, I’m perfect already.
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I fuck on the first date.
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I got my wife a present that will really take her breath away, a treadmill.
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I hate when people go too far with me cause now I gotta go overseas.
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I just wanna be somewhere in the sun with my titties out, eating fresh fruit.
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I know everything happens for a reason, but what the fuck
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I know God has the wheel, but sometimes I think we're off roading.
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I leave my read receipts on, so people can see what time I didn't give a fuck.
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I like my coffee with a splash of fuck this.
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I like the ones who eat if from the back.
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I love being married. It’s great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
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I may be mentally unstable, but at least I don’t own a pair of crocs.
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I promise your future husband is not following hundreds of half-naked girls on Instagram.
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I put my thing down, flip it, and reverse it.
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I remember when breaking up used to be easy, now you have to press charges and move.
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I tried laughing like a lady, but there is a hyena inside of me.
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I wonder if people look both ways before getting on my fucking nerves.
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